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Let's talk separate bedrooms.. whilst still being happily married.
Words Krystle Sarkodie
Property editor Krystle Sarkodie discusses why having separate bedrooms in a marriage doesn’t mean that you’re heading towards divorce.
Growing up I was sold a dream about marriage. I was told that once I married me and my hubby would buy a beautiful house and then we would have 2 or 3 beautiful kids who were all super intelligent. Based on this I imagined having one of those big white houses like we see Stateside on TV shows, with a white picket fence and a red door. When you open the door there would be a marble floor entrance with spiral stairs which would lead to the bedrooms. I would have 2 bedrooms for the children and a room for me and my husband, which would have a magnificent 4 poster bed with an adjoining bathroom suite, we would have his and her sinks and a marble bathroom. Literally our house was going to be like something out of a Hollywood movie, but then reality hit and the bubble my dream was in was very quickly burst.
The generation we are living in is so different to what many of us were taught growing up. Men no longer need to be the breadwinner or the woman, a “baby making” machine, we’ve learnt the art of compromise and we’ve taken this to the bedroom.
In April 2013 the government introduced Bedroom tax for those living in Housing Association properties, this basically means you pay extra tax for every bedroom which is unoccupied in your property, but I’m not talking about that today. I want to talk about the fact that many newlyweds seem to be jumping at the opportunity of having separate sleeping arrangements - and they aren’t heading towards divorce and they aren’t upset with each other. Similarly to seeing the white picket fence houses we saw growing up, a couple having separate bedrooms eluded to an unhappy marriage, often on the brink of divorce or when either partner was in the ‘doghouse’, often the man. Well, no longer is this true. Married couples are now purchasing or renting homes, happily planning to have separate bedrooms for themselves.
So where does all the magic happen, I hear you ask? Well in actual fact the magic happens in each person’s working space, the magic of being productive and having your own space to work and think. In this new world we are now living in, couples tend to go for a 3 bedroom house, so that hubby can have his man cave and she can have her creative working space. This doesn’t mean that they cannot share a room, but means if you have your girls over they can come and chill in your room room without disturbances and the same for your partner.
But is this healthy for a new marriage or a long term relationship? Well I asked a couple of wives who I know have decided to implement the bedroom tax.
Wife A from London has been married for just over a year but has been her hubby for over 10 years, she said “I think sharing a room especially for someone like myself who has roles to fill it becomes very useful in terms of having a place to think and actively execute work or even relax with my sisters, friends or mentees. That does not take away from the personal time you have with your partner/hubby, just have to get the right balance when necessary.”
Wife B also from London has been married just over 2 years and has been with her now husband over 13 years, she said “it was not the initial plan but me and my partner decided to trial it first when we first got married and we found that it made our relationship healthier in the sense of having our own space. I look at the room as my dressing room *she laughs*, and we are not in each other's faces all the time. It really did strengthen our marriage but it’s not for everyone as some people need to have their partner by their side, but when you’re two busy people, sometimes you just want to lock yourself up and escape. So it’s basically an escape room too and when l’m ready I go to “our” room. So, I have my room and then there’s “our” room”
So two very interesting viewpoints from 2 women who have actually been with their partners for a long duration but only looked at the idea of separate rooms once they married, I wonder if this trigger is the understanding that you are with this person for life therefore you need to create a healthy environment for your marriage, that’s what I’m taking away from both thoughts shared. If you agree or not with the extra bedroom it is becoming a new trend and maybe it’s what is needed in this microwave generation in order for couples to be able to have thinking space and be better together rather than getting frustrated with each other and then someone ends up on the sofa or divorced!
I’m interested to see how far this trend will go and for how long. It seems that we are constantly breaking the norms of traditional marriage we were taught because we are finding better ways to enjoy our relationships.